Route: Pogue Mahone, Mt. Webster, Crawford Notch, ~2,500+'
Ratings: NEI 1, Mixed climbing to 0.5 (the hardest 3rd-class you've ever seen, buddy), and a Scrumble rating of 5 on a scale that goes to, you guessed it, five. Commitment grade IV. You need to be lost, or insane, or both. By the end of it, you'll have given in to the voices and offered your compass as a sacrifice to the gods.

Here are the highlights, aka, beta.

1. Happy. Sedate, even.
   
2. Growing concern. Sticking to The Plan.
   
3. Tracks. Distrust. And then... Blind following.
   
4. Fluffy white snow. A hankering for a hunk o' cheese. And... In a few hours, stacks of snacks.
   
5. Deep concern.
   
6. Embarassment, self-loathing, scouting ledges for potential flying leap (Shoestring lower gully).
   
7. Course correction. Evaluation of the strategery.
   
8. Signature service oil change: five quarts of Mobil One; oil filter replaced; brake fluid and antifreeze/coolant reservoir levels checked; air filtration system, wiper blades and lights checked; belts checked; vacuumed interior floors; cleaned exterior windows (left condensation film on inside dash due to thermal condition in bay being "just so" and breathing a little too hard); lubricated chassis; tires 30psi front and rear; topped off the following: transmission/transaxle fluid; differential fluid; power steering fluid; windshield washer fluid; battery water.
   
9. The Gerry Cooney Memorial Sitdown.
   
10. Easy skankin', Frankensteining. It almost felt like climbing there for a second.
    
11. Tenth Circle of Hell.
    
12. Little bit of mixed scrumbling in Paddy Gully.
    
13. On the couch with Sigmund, filing Guggenheim Fellowship applications in triplicate, following moose tracks (for real), subterranean grazing, composing a new poem: Ode to F**k-F**k, Ballet of the Toy Schmuck, crawling, begging, drooling, fatuous moaning and beating of trees, hurting nail of right index finger while doing previous, singing of sea shanties, swimming in a sea of distress.
    
14. Starbucks: Turkish roast non-fat double half-caf with a twist of lime, pinch of raw sugar.