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It's Too Early For Shorts
posted: 03/27/07

Listen to me.

I don't care if it is Earth Day.

It's too early for shorts.

Yes, we had an uprecedented mild winter here in the northeast. Yes, there's an onslaught of heat baking the nether regions of the country. But today in southern Maine it's an overcast 51 degrees. Please, leave the bermudas in the cedar chest for a few more weeks.

It's too early for shorts. Put some pants on. Yes you, guy at the Lobster Shack, eating indoors. Those shorts look silly this time of year. This isn't Talla-freakin'-hassee.

[My God. This very second the ice cream truck just went by. What is happening? It's too early for ice cream. This should be obvious to anyone. And also, who decided that "The Entertainer" should be the official ice cream truck tune to drive by? I can tell you, when an ice cream truck idles outside your window for 15 minutes with a tape of a monkey plinking out this tune on a toy piano via an all-weather loudspeaker as an enticing gift to the entire neighborhood, it's not very entertaining.]

As I was saying...

Even so, there are exceptions to the pants rule. A week or so ago I saw a pack of high school kids out running near the water. Most were in shorts. Running in shorts in 50- to 60-degree weather? Okay. Permissable, but just barely. But one kid was running in pajamas. Yes, billowy, wide-leg plaid flannels. What, exactly, does this say about someone? That they're dedicated enough to get out and run, yes, but that they are, at the same time, too lazy to get dressed?

To the matter at hand. It's too early for shorts.

Quit it.

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Last updated, fixified, or otherwise jiggered: 03/27/07.